Here we go again... Well, not really.

Today's Developments: Packed, Work, The beginning of retreat.

The Zune is currently playing: Journey – Faithfully

I find myself contemplating the relationships in my life that did not succeed. We're at this amazing house for the retreat, and despite the spirit of 'letting go' of troubles and stresses, the human heart is utterly incapable of forgetting. And through just a few shuffled decks and deals of a playful fortune game, the thoughts have come rushing back.

Don't worry – I'm guarded. Just because the thoughts are back doesn't mean that it'll have an effect on me. They are purely speculative and are harmless to my current state of being and
psyche.

See, the things is – I truly believe that for once in the past couple years, I am stable again. I have worked so hard to find a balance in my life in which I can actually look back on the week that passed and be able to smile about it all. Academically, I have finally gotten myself at least close to where I want to be, and socially I cannot deny the fact that my friendships have never been stronger. I also have the ability to be in my room at any point in the middle of the night, by myself, and fight the emotional roller coaster that my thoughts my wander to. This is true for not only my apartment, but even back home. And we all know how hard being home is on a person that can't even feel comfortable in his or her own room.

Seriously though – back at home, I would be in my room, think about the way things are going, and somehow my mind would find an image of a person that I may have been invovled with in the past. There wouldn't be anything positive about it – because everyone I have ever been involved with has, in one way or another, ripped my heart out and smashed it into pieces. As graphic as that might sound, that description is highly indicative of the way I came out of the situation.

So imagine my utter relief and joy to finally find myself in my room/apartment, and none of the above happens anymore. It is perhaps the single greatest feeling that I have felt within these past two years of turmoil. I find myself, these days, just living my life. With stresses, of course, but without the constant relapses into broken spirits – without the pains of wounds that have taken far too long to heal.

But, like I said; unfortunately, the heart never forgets. It only builds up the strength to battle the pain that goes away. I believe/hope that my heart has become strong enough. It certainly feels like it has, especially over this past semester. I truly feel like I have finally found myself again.

I do find myself thinking on this night about those people in the past, however – the people that have basically been the subject of nearly every poem I have written within this past academic year. A guy like me can't help but wonder...

Did I go wrong at all?
Where did the problems lie, and if there were any, could they have been fixed?
What could have been?
Why wouldn't they just give me a chance?
Why didn't I just give myself a chance?
How is that person now?

My heart is strong. And I can finally be happy on my own now. I am happy. But even in happiness, the mind wanders and wonders...