Today's Developments: Packed, Work, The beginning of retreat.
The Zune is currently playing: Journey – Faithfully
I find myself contemplating the relationships in my life that did not succeed. We're at this amazing house for the retreat, and despite the spirit of 'letting go' of troubles and stresses, the human heart is utterly incapable of forgetting. And through just a few shuffled decks and deals of a playful fortune game, the thoughts have come rushing back.
Don't worry – I'm guarded. Just because the thoughts are back doesn't mean that it'll have an effect on me. They are purely speculative and are harmless to my current state of being and
psyche.
See, the things is – I truly believe that for once in the past couple years, I am stable again. I have worked so hard to find a balance in my life in which I can actually look back on the week that passed and be able to smile about it all. Academically, I have finally gotten myself at least close to where I want to be, and socially I cannot deny the fact that my friendships have never been stronger. I also have the ability to be in my room at any point in the middle of the night, by myself, and fight the emotional roller coaster that my thoughts my wander to. This is true for not only my apartment, but even back home. And we all know how hard being home is on a person that can't even feel comfortable in his or her own room.
Seriously though – back at home, I would be in my room, think about the way things are going, and somehow my mind would find an image of a person that I may have been invovled with in the past. There wouldn't be anything positive about it – because everyone I have ever been involved with has, in one way or another, ripped my heart out and smashed it into pieces. As graphic as that might sound, that description is highly indicative of the way I came out of the situation.
So imagine my utter relief and joy to finally find myself in my room/apartment, and none of the above happens anymore. It is perhaps the single greatest feeling that I have felt within these past two years of turmoil. I find myself, these days, just living my life. With stresses, of course, but without the constant relapses into broken spirits – without the pains of wounds that have taken far too long to heal.
But, like I said; unfortunately, the heart never forgets. It only builds up the strength to battle the pain that goes away. I believe/hope that my heart has become strong enough. It certainly feels like it has, especially over this past semester. I truly feel like I have finally found myself again.
I do find myself thinking on this night about those people in the past, however – the people that have basically been the subject of nearly every poem I have written within this past academic year. A guy like me can't help but wonder...
Did I go wrong at all?
Where did the problems lie, and if there were any, could they have been fixed?
What could have been?
Why wouldn't they just give me a chance?
Why didn't I just give myself a chance?
How is that person now?
My heart is strong. And I can finally be happy on my own now. I am happy. But even in happiness, the mind wanders and wonders...
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
Expansion
Today's Developments: Interviewed the new VP of Finance, Work, Bored in class (check out my Tumblr for all that), Hung out with future roommate, Picked up Amy at work.
The Zune is currently playing: Nujabes feat. Shing02 - Luv (sic.) (Modal Soul Remix)
It seems that last night's post regarding the current administrative initiatives against rallies and demonstrations on campus got some good response. Student movements have been quite mum as of late - perhaps these developments among the student body will awaken some action.
Some words of caution to my fellow activists as we move into this April 2009 - we need not focus on the anger that comes about when we read these initiatives. I feel we should exploit the fact that the rules and regulations they are putting forth are utterly ridiculous and are illogical. Points made regarding the usage of the actual San Diego Police Department are also very credible - that infractions on these regulations are not stout breaks on law.
To actually cart away students is, at best, going to incite even more exposure on the way this campus really runs things. To think that what should be a last resort - expulsion and getting arrested - will all of a sudden become the first step is perhaps the most frightening part. Rather than understand the situation, realize that the experience of a majorly represented white student is NOT the same as the experience of a minority student, and try to make moves toward an equality between the two, they would rather just silence us indefinitely.
Why not just start dusting off those old "WHITES ONLY" signs and get them ready for usage again?
In the words of one of my favorite poets, "Use your real eyes to realize the real lies."
WITH THAT SAID,
I wanted to move onto the thing that I really wanted to blog about tonight. Discussions regarding this ongoing struggle for voice will continue. Trust me.
It's nice to be back in the whole flow of blogging. I tried to do it a lot in the past, but my stints would only go as far as about a week and then I'd lose the habit. This time around, I'm trying harder. Every night before I go to sleep, I take one hour to update my blogs. Yes, plural. I have a total of three stable blogs now: this Blogspot, Tumblr, and Twitter.
Twitter is my microblog; just a place to put my small thoughts when they happen. Tumblr is more of a content hub, where I put interesting tidbits of information I might find online, as well as some random, unlengthy thoughts. This Blogspot, then, is where I put my mind to work every night, just to empty my head on any topic that I might conjure up during the day.
As you've seen lately, these thoughts have been occupied by my fellow fighters on campus that are trying to make the school understand that we are not to be shrouded.
Today, however, a more specialized path regarding my digital life was brought to my attention. Sure, it is nice to have blogs on various servers that will host for free, but why not put in the extra effort and a little bit of money to actually have a proper domain? It would get my name out there even more, not to mention bring a sense of professional commercialism to my brand of musing.
I know that things like this are a dime a dozen, but with a stable and constant flow of content, I think it might work. And having my own website would for sure be a much more legit way of getting my name out there. I am an aspiring poet, after all, and having an actual digital base in the intraweb would be a great way to jump start whatever progress I hope to make as a marketable entity.
It would be a place to host all of my blogging content, as well as post videos of my performances and texts of my poems. Other than that, it would be a good place for me to practice what I want to do in my future - online tech journalism. Blogs are the new homes of technological criticism. And any experience is good experience.
The cost would be low - GoDaddy, after all, will host a domain with a lot of breathing room for less than five dollars a month. And it is all paid upfront - a one time payment of $60 dollars, theoretically, for one whole year of service. And I know plenty of people that would like to help me with the upkeep.
Besides - what sounds better? "10000leaves.blogspot.com" or just straight up "tenthousandleaves.com"?
The Zune is currently playing: Nujabes feat. Shing02 - Luv (sic.) (Modal Soul Remix)
It seems that last night's post regarding the current administrative initiatives against rallies and demonstrations on campus got some good response. Student movements have been quite mum as of late - perhaps these developments among the student body will awaken some action.
Some words of caution to my fellow activists as we move into this April 2009 - we need not focus on the anger that comes about when we read these initiatives. I feel we should exploit the fact that the rules and regulations they are putting forth are utterly ridiculous and are illogical. Points made regarding the usage of the actual San Diego Police Department are also very credible - that infractions on these regulations are not stout breaks on law.
To actually cart away students is, at best, going to incite even more exposure on the way this campus really runs things. To think that what should be a last resort - expulsion and getting arrested - will all of a sudden become the first step is perhaps the most frightening part. Rather than understand the situation, realize that the experience of a majorly represented white student is NOT the same as the experience of a minority student, and try to make moves toward an equality between the two, they would rather just silence us indefinitely.
Why not just start dusting off those old "WHITES ONLY" signs and get them ready for usage again?
In the words of one of my favorite poets, "Use your real eyes to realize the real lies."
WITH THAT SAID,
I wanted to move onto the thing that I really wanted to blog about tonight. Discussions regarding this ongoing struggle for voice will continue. Trust me.
It's nice to be back in the whole flow of blogging. I tried to do it a lot in the past, but my stints would only go as far as about a week and then I'd lose the habit. This time around, I'm trying harder. Every night before I go to sleep, I take one hour to update my blogs. Yes, plural. I have a total of three stable blogs now: this Blogspot, Tumblr, and Twitter.
Twitter is my microblog; just a place to put my small thoughts when they happen. Tumblr is more of a content hub, where I put interesting tidbits of information I might find online, as well as some random, unlengthy thoughts. This Blogspot, then, is where I put my mind to work every night, just to empty my head on any topic that I might conjure up during the day.
As you've seen lately, these thoughts have been occupied by my fellow fighters on campus that are trying to make the school understand that we are not to be shrouded.
Today, however, a more specialized path regarding my digital life was brought to my attention. Sure, it is nice to have blogs on various servers that will host for free, but why not put in the extra effort and a little bit of money to actually have a proper domain? It would get my name out there even more, not to mention bring a sense of professional commercialism to my brand of musing.
I know that things like this are a dime a dozen, but with a stable and constant flow of content, I think it might work. And having my own website would for sure be a much more legit way of getting my name out there. I am an aspiring poet, after all, and having an actual digital base in the intraweb would be a great way to jump start whatever progress I hope to make as a marketable entity.
It would be a place to host all of my blogging content, as well as post videos of my performances and texts of my poems. Other than that, it would be a good place for me to practice what I want to do in my future - online tech journalism. Blogs are the new homes of technological criticism. And any experience is good experience.
The cost would be low - GoDaddy, after all, will host a domain with a lot of breathing room for less than five dollars a month. And it is all paid upfront - a one time payment of $60 dollars, theoretically, for one whole year of service. And I know plenty of people that would like to help me with the upkeep.
Besides - what sounds better? "10000leaves.blogspot.com" or just straight up "tenthousandleaves.com"?
Thursday, April 2, 2009
The Struggle for Voice
Today's Developments: Class, Work, Chilling with the UFers, Hanging with Amy, Going out with friends to greet Katherine a happy birthday.
The iHome is currently playing: Cool Calm Pete - Dinner and a Movie
I find myself contemplating the current situation on my campus. I love my campus, but the rhetoric, discourse, and image that it tries to uphold is often the subject of its greatest folly. This school tries to uphold an image of a very diverse and open campus - and it will put all of its effort in making sure that image is marketable, but do nothing to actually make it a reality on the actual grounds itself.
A fellow activist on this campus once said it herself during last year's rally: "I did not know how hard it was to be a minority until coming to this campus." I feel the exact same way.
Recently, the newspaper published an editorial that apparently received a very positive response. In it, the editor spoke about the importance of fighting 'hate speech' with 'good speech,' but lamented over the fact that the school is trying to combat hate incidents by propping up committees and protocols against them. Basically, her problem was against limiting everyone's right to free speech in order to limit the hate on this campus.
You may be very entitled to your opinion, but the very school that you are trying to defend is taking that proverbial duct tape and putting it over the very mouths that are trying to promote the 'good speech.'
Recently, the school has passed campus protocols that inhibit every student's right to assembly. While the sales pitch seemed very nice on the surface (not unlike the way the school is presented in hindsight), the fine print reveals restrictions that were easily overlooked. Students will not be told what can be protested, but it the VPs in Associated Students must know what it is beforehand. Also, the rally may only be held in front of the University Center during the hours of 8am and 10am. Two hours to make known the problems that are on this campus - when everyone is in class.
Should any of these - and many other rules that will not be posted here - be broken, the school has made it clear that they will employ the services of the San Diego Police Department and not only expel the student, but have them publicly arrested.
And they wonder why we have so much to protest. Many people might wonder exactly why we have to fight so hard on this campus, but what they do not realize is that people like these activists are trying to help. Did any of you stop to think of it that way? Every student leaves behind a legacy - those who are in constant fights are trying to make sure that those coming in the future will reap in the success. They are trying to fight for the practicing of the very values that the school attempts to market. There are definitely groups on this campus that feel less than welcome in an environment that supposedly strives for positive values and qualities - but all you want to say about it is 'why don't you just go to another school then?'
You're not helping. And that response basically encompasses everything that is wrong with the campus climate. There is a definite mixture of diverse cultures on this campus, but their true representation is very limited. And they flock to the food that is available, whatever culture it is, and half-heartedly watch the talents of those people that, every single day, feel overlooked and segregated. It's bad when we can only look forward to just a few days out of the whole school year to actually feel like we matter. We're not here to entertain you, nor will we be branded as only such.
I know of a few people already that are definitely transferring after just their first year here - and that's already few too many. And if you ask these students why, they will all say the same thing: 'I don't feel very welcome here.'
Them - "Why do you have to protest so much?"
Us - "Why do you give us so much to protest about?"
Them - "I don't even really see what the issue is."
Us - "That's exactly the issue."
There may be a fear growing in the majority that all this discussion and activism will lead to limits on speech. Well I'm sorry, but you've limited our very identities for far too long now.
The iHome is currently playing: Cool Calm Pete - Dinner and a Movie
I find myself contemplating the current situation on my campus. I love my campus, but the rhetoric, discourse, and image that it tries to uphold is often the subject of its greatest folly. This school tries to uphold an image of a very diverse and open campus - and it will put all of its effort in making sure that image is marketable, but do nothing to actually make it a reality on the actual grounds itself.
A fellow activist on this campus once said it herself during last year's rally: "I did not know how hard it was to be a minority until coming to this campus." I feel the exact same way.
Recently, the newspaper published an editorial that apparently received a very positive response. In it, the editor spoke about the importance of fighting 'hate speech' with 'good speech,' but lamented over the fact that the school is trying to combat hate incidents by propping up committees and protocols against them. Basically, her problem was against limiting everyone's right to free speech in order to limit the hate on this campus.
You may be very entitled to your opinion, but the very school that you are trying to defend is taking that proverbial duct tape and putting it over the very mouths that are trying to promote the 'good speech.'
Recently, the school has passed campus protocols that inhibit every student's right to assembly. While the sales pitch seemed very nice on the surface (not unlike the way the school is presented in hindsight), the fine print reveals restrictions that were easily overlooked. Students will not be told what can be protested, but it the VPs in Associated Students must know what it is beforehand. Also, the rally may only be held in front of the University Center during the hours of 8am and 10am. Two hours to make known the problems that are on this campus - when everyone is in class.
Should any of these - and many other rules that will not be posted here - be broken, the school has made it clear that they will employ the services of the San Diego Police Department and not only expel the student, but have them publicly arrested.
And they wonder why we have so much to protest. Many people might wonder exactly why we have to fight so hard on this campus, but what they do not realize is that people like these activists are trying to help. Did any of you stop to think of it that way? Every student leaves behind a legacy - those who are in constant fights are trying to make sure that those coming in the future will reap in the success. They are trying to fight for the practicing of the very values that the school attempts to market. There are definitely groups on this campus that feel less than welcome in an environment that supposedly strives for positive values and qualities - but all you want to say about it is 'why don't you just go to another school then?'
You're not helping. And that response basically encompasses everything that is wrong with the campus climate. There is a definite mixture of diverse cultures on this campus, but their true representation is very limited. And they flock to the food that is available, whatever culture it is, and half-heartedly watch the talents of those people that, every single day, feel overlooked and segregated. It's bad when we can only look forward to just a few days out of the whole school year to actually feel like we matter. We're not here to entertain you, nor will we be branded as only such.
I know of a few people already that are definitely transferring after just their first year here - and that's already few too many. And if you ask these students why, they will all say the same thing: 'I don't feel very welcome here.'
Them - "Why do you have to protest so much?"
Us - "Why do you give us so much to protest about?"
Them - "I don't even really see what the issue is."
Us - "That's exactly the issue."
There may be a fear growing in the majority that all this discussion and activism will lead to limits on speech. Well I'm sorry, but you've limited our very identities for far too long now.
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